Dreams
I dreamt that I was going to Bangkok with my family. But at the departure gate, I realized I had forgotten to bring my passport. It was with great disappointment as I told my family to take the flight first, while I go home, get the passport, and take the next flight. I still remember that in my dream, I was checking airasia.com for the next flight, and it was such a crushing disappointment to find that the next flight is a month later. =(
On another note, I shall give myself a time-out. Time-out to re-orientate myself and to find my bearings in life. No, life is not awful yet, but I just need to find meaning again in the things I do - from hanging out to investing in lives. The question is becoming louder "Just what am I living for?"
What do you enjoy?
I'm just left 3.5 weeks before practicum ends, and things are slowing down. After the most hectic week, what else can be worse? So I am indeed adjusting and adapting to the life of a teacher. However, I am extremely tired of all the observations, and exhausted at all the evauations made on me. To the point that I no longer care, to the point that I have no more strength left. But I am certain that God will strengthen me for this last lap. =)
My colleague told me today, "Don't work so hard...". It stuck with me, because I did not realize how hard I am working. As I stop and reflect about what I have been doing, I realize that my list of 'things to do' never finishes, and hence, my life has been all about work, work, and work. Is that what they call a workaholic?
Today, I thought I should reward myself by spending my afternoon doing something else, something I enjoy. But alas! I couldn't recall what I enjoyed anymore! What exactly do I enjoy doing?
Mid-Week
yeah, it's mid-week and I am still surviving, though every day my brain feels saturated and my body battered. I did the first observation for this week, still have 2 more to go. Personally, I dont' think it went too well - the energy level of the students seemed low. Perhaps because I was too tired too. Anyway, there are still little things throughout the day that are worth remembering - by 2 boys who moved my heart and held my hand. *WARNING: teacher stories ahead. Read at your own risk*
For the first time, I chose to eat my lunch with the students in the canteen instead of at the protected teachers' corner. The children were delighted that I was joining them at the table, but in a few minutes, I soon regretted it, because the whole class was crowding around me all fighting to talk to me in their shrill voices. Believe me, my ears went blocked for a few minutes. I don't think I will be courageous enough again to do that - the health of my ears are important. However, something good came out of it. Because the moment I finished my meal, the naughtiest boy in class whom irritates me to the max spontaneously took my plate with his to return it to the stall. I was shocked, because it wasn't even from the same store! My heart was touched man, that I was speechless. It was not only about the nice gesture, but about the way he did it - spontaneously and without asking.
After that, I brought the class to the Science centre. Over there, I was faced with internal conflict, as the 2nd naughtiest boy in class kept asking to partner me. I usually say 'no' for a myriad of reasons, one of which is to give equal treatment to all students. But today, I allowed him to. He held my hand, and the conflict within me started - Should I keep the boundaries and maintain authority? Today, I chose to let him hold my hand, and as I held his hand in mine, I realized I love the kids, no matter how irritating and misbehaving they are. In fact, I think I love the naughtier ones even more. Perhaps it is true that the more attention (positive or negative) you give to someone, the more you would love them eventually.
So there has been a lot of things to learn in Practicum, not only the skills on teaching, but also relating to the kids, and defining my style as a teacher. Most of all, it is about sorting out the internal conflicts I do have about authority vs approachability.
Soowei says that I will miss the kids when my practicum ends. I wans't so sure at first, but now, I know I will miss them. sob.
I thank God that despite this hectic week, he has given me strength each day to carry on, and to open my eyes to see the little joys of the children.
4am
I had planned to wake up at 4am, but set my alarm clock at 5am, only to struggle out of bed at 5.30am. It's been a difficult fight with the zee monster to get up and get some work done, since the day and night doesn't seem to have enough hours for me to do so.
This week is somehow one of the craziest week in Practicum - 3 observations on Tues, Wed, and Friday. I'm not afraid of being observed, however, I find it a chore, and a challenge, to produce lesson plans that are flawlessly creatively and engaging.
In the midst of trying to finish all tasks, there is that nagging feeling that people are priority. I am trying, but it is really hard, because deadlines are pressing. Do forgive me yah, if I may sound curt, or if I have to postpone our meetings, or if I don't reply to smses, or if there are still some things being put on hold. I just need to cross this week.
It is my constant prayer "Lord, help me through this week", and I believe that God will certainly see me through. Despite all the work crushing down on me, there is still that peace that surpasses all understanding, that trust that says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
Yet, in times like these, I wish I can fly.
