Phew..
It's 7 hours since I dropped my pen of the last paper and say hello to holidays.. Having in mind a rest and relax holiday was somehow too idealistic, I think. At 11.31pm now, I am still rushing to catch my breath. Suddenly, with exams gone, there seems to be a million things to do. argh.
Shopping in town today was an appetizer to my long-delayed craving. But it was an unexpected mad rush. and I realized, there are indeed many things I wanna buy, and things I wanna do - like revamping my wardrobe. At the end of the day, my heart is unsettled, bcoz i start listing things I wanna do and buy - this is what shopping and free time does to me.. argh.
In the end, it's all about priority. and maybe, it's time to start digging out all the dust under the carpet, and sorting them out one by one. sighs. Now, now, where do i start from?
Why is it always me?
Why is it always about me?
My heart
My thoughts
My emotions
My desires
My calling
My future
I hate it when
it creeps up to me, so subtle, yet, so pervasive.
It is the 'all-about-me' syndrome again. I need to kill
it, in order to live.
I need to kill it, in order to live.
I need to kill it.
I need to kill.
I need to.
I need.
I.
Here it goes again..
==Kerinduanku==
3 down, 3 more to go..
hehe.. as of now, i've completed 3 exams, with calm and clarity of mind, though uncertain if what i scrawled over the pages are correct and worth any marks. It doesn't matter, I am content. I'm just amazed at how one gets better and better at this whole exam process as you add each year to your academic life. From anxiety, to calm. From uncertainty, to "oh, here it is again..". From being restless till 2 days before exam, to being able to be disciplined and start revising most of wat is necessary 2 weeks before. From dreading exams, to accepting it as part and parcel of life. From feeling horrible after the papers at the difficulty of the exam question, to feeling glad that I've managed to scribble something, and that 'it is finished!'. If there's anything bad about exams this semester, there is only one thing : Everything else is put on hold. And perhpas, this very one thing, is worse than all the other bad things added up together last semesters. There are many urgent things calling out for my attention. Duties I am responsible for are undone, desires I yearn to accomplish are suppressed, issues swept under the carpet, jumbled thoughts snuffed out - all these are pushed till friday comes. Is it wrong to be focussed? Is it wrong to prioritize? Why do I feel I lost some part of me in the whole routine of revision? All this can wait, I tell myself. But, but, what if some things cannot wait, that once gone, always gone? On another note, I was shaken to be notified that my youth cell has to change venue. This is truly a crisis. Having thought that we were at least 'safe' since we've got a room in church, it is indeed shocking to receive news that we have to shift with effect from this sunday. Oh dear. It's time to pray, which I have complacently not done so bcoz we were 'not affected'. hmm. Perhaps, what struck me more was not that I do not have a room now, but that, I've failed to join the rest of them to pray through this crisis. How selflish. Inconveniences are needed to jot us back from our complacencies.
One word.
Undesired : Something or someone that is not welcome or wanted.
I need to Speak Life..Speak life, into your separation
Trials and tribulation
Open up your mouth
and let the healer take over
When you're feeling unstable
Jesus is able
Open up your mouth
and let the healer take over
Bangkok, anyone?
yes, i know i'm supposed to be studying.. but flipping the papers today, something caught my eye. it says $28.88 one way to bangkok. hehe. I'm considering flying over for a rest-n-relax anytime in May. Interested, anyone? Estimated expenditure to be $250 - $400. Let me know early if you're interested.. The seats are being taken up pretty fast.. :(
To laugh or to cry?
For the umpteen time this week, I felt like crying. (feel like only, but will never. My tear ducts only work when God is moving.)
The long awaited letter from MOE came. There were full of instructions on the papers, my parents voices laced with excitement, my heart heavy, and I felt the many emotions – I am speechless. Is this the climax of an already emotional week?
I really dunno whether to laugh or to cry, to feel happy or to feel sad. I just feel scared. When open doors become reality, the dilemma is almost too heavy to bear. It’s funny how I used to love opening doors to my future last season, and this season, I wanna close them all. Seems like deviance in dressing and making a stand against the odds didn’t help much. But just because the doors are open doesn't mean I should walk through them.
Honours? Scholarship? 3-years bond? EA trip? Social work? Missions? Counselling? Along with this open door came a lot of other decisions, and sacrifices that I have to make. And suddenly, I hate making decisions. Grow up, esther.
It’s not that I don’t like teaching. I do. The problem is, I like social work too. The dilemma is not which do I like better. They are equal. The dilemma is which would be easier to give up? Which would I not regret so much if I forgo it.. and the dilemma is, what if there’s something else I’m missing out from You, God? How does this fit in with everything?
Won’t somebody just slap me out of my atrocity? I think my parents are close to that. They are dumbfounded at my deviance, while I can just imagine my mother prancing around the house, singing ‘there is hope!’, after she lamented this morning about the pathetic pay that social workers get. People are astounded at my ridiculous response to a seemingly joyous occasion. It’s exactly the same thing, when I heard about my ‘miraculous’ results last sem, enabling me to consider honours. People would rejoice, but I felt sad. I wonder what’s wrong with me? Am I taking all these for granted? Sighs. Even I don’t understand myself. It’s time to ask Abba Father then.
I have until 5th May to decide. That’s really soon to me. Results are not even out yet, which means I have to decide whether to do honours or not independent on my results. How to concentrate on exams now? Suddenly, I question if I am indeed prepared for graduation. Pray with me, will you?
无奈
Few days back, I was wondering how come i've forgotten what it feels like to be
emotional, to be
melancholic. Today, I remember. Admist the mess inside, I couldn't find a good english word that perfectly describes the whole
feeling. Instead, this chinese idiom seemed like a perfect fit. Getting ready for EA huh..
无可奈何 ： 没有办法
There is nothing wrong to feel
emotional, neither it is to be
mel. As Clydia puts it, God can use it to show me what are the impt things He has placed upon my heart.
I dunno whether to laugh or cry. San reminded me about having to register for commencement, and it occured to me that i totally forgot abt it. My heart dropped when I saw the dates - 6 - 14 July. I'm flying off on 11th July, and I did not factor in my commencement. However, upon checking the exact date, I really dunno whether to laugh or cry - 10th July. How
nice. How
'coincidental'. How
blessed. Thank You Lord. Looking back the past few days, hearing some of your struggles, and seeing how God works, I can only smile from the bottom of my heart. He is amazing, truly, the lover of our souls.
Like wine that is poured out, I wanna be so.
Strength or Weakness?
I went on a surprise visit to my USP academic advisor's office today, to act upon my decision to withdraw from USP. but I certainly did not expect the conversation that came out of it. She asked me if i was in sch yest (sunday), and narrated to me of how she saw me walking with a fine looking young man, and I walked right past her, ignoring her 'Hi Esther!'. And she said her husband commented to her, "looks like she's more interested in the young man than you.." I was indignant to hear that! ok, maybe not to that extreme, but just feeling misunderstood. So while trying to clear the air of "tha'ts not true.. etc...", i realized that i have a problem. The problem, which had never been much of a problem, could be viewed as a strength. When I talk to people, or spend time with them, 100% of my attention and concentration goes to them, thus leaving 0% for anything else like the surroundings, much less other pple. I can never understand how people can talk, observe surroundings, and even people-watch at the same time. Along the years, I have learnt to adapt with my handicap - no shopping walking and catching up at the same time. But today, i realized, my handicap may prove more detrimental than I thought it to be. sighs. Is it a strength to give 100%, or a weakness to not be able to multi-task? Speaking of handicaps, I do have another abnormal one. While people tend to remember faces but not names, I can only remember names but not faces! Before you argue that it's better, consider this: wat is the point of remembering names if you can't even recognize whether you've met the person before? Faces are very vague in my memory, unless you're someone that i constantly see. Imagine the handicap it imposes on me? can't remember if that unfamiliar face is new to church, or was here before.. can't remember who's that person who greeted me 'hi esther!' along the corridors..do i even know you, even though i can hold a 5 min conversation with u? well, as survival instincts has it, one adapts to surive with his limitations. it just feels 'argh' at times. Do be nice pls, if you ever cross my path. Don't try to test me, but drop me hints and cues to hold the conversation yah? =)I can't believe that I'm gg EA. is this denial or wat? i desperately hang on to whatever back door that i can leave open, in case i back out, telling pple that i'm 'most probably' going only.. but somehow, is there a back door in reality, or am i bluffing myself only? it's a gradual process, but agreeing to only 'look-see' in the meeting, then hesitating to take the form to sign up, and finally filling in the form..yet to hand it up though. argh. as i sat into the meeting yesterday, there was a myriad of emotions. fear, anxiety, excitement, anticipation. Admitting to the team that up till this point, i still 'dont' feel' like going, but i'm making a conscious choice and effort to go. I can feel every cell in my body resist going, yet, to will for the spirit, and against the flesh. If there is any comfort out of the whole thing, it is only the fact that the power of God has to truly take over and be made perfect by my weakness.. How real Paul's verses will become :If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weaknesses. 2 Cor 11:30For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12:10bShouldn't this be a good enough reason why I have to go? So that His power be made perfect in my weaknesses. My only consolation. It's farnie how the ways of God are often contrary to the ways of man. Perhaps then, my handicaps may be my strengths somehow, somewhere.
Death
I was rather surprised to see Straits Times feature death and dying in today's newspaper. It's rather unusual, and I know that it would put a solemm sigh to readers. One quote caught my eye,
"Since I can't add the days to my life, I might as well be adding life to my days." But just what kind of life do we want to add to our days? What exactly is abundant life?
For me, it's not about doing more things, nor achieving more stuff. It's not about building my name in society, neither is it pursuing my passion. I've come to realize, and truly believe, that abundant life to me, is just to be near You, with You, each and everyday.
Dying to live. What a profound truth.
Ah.. Ah.. Ah Choo!
It's coming to a thursday, and my body is starting to rebel. Seems like a post-all-nighter effect, which was on Sunday lor! sighs. No wonder my elders often say that once you hit 20-ish, you can really see the aging effects of the body. This week was supposed to be a less heavy wk, with many planned off days from sch. but i was surprised to see how things started to fill them in, back to back, and suddenly, i've not had the chance to rest at all. =( doesn't it irk you when your plans get interrupted, and that it's beyond your control?
this week has been a week of indebted-ness. Doing foreign stuffs like filming and editing requires my group to enlist help from our professional frens. And we can only be eternally grateful to them for all the hard work they put in.. Admist 'bimbo' moments like being unable to find the jet to plug in the headphones - which was hilarious btw *winks*, I've come to a few conclusions.
1) In this world, you can never be independent and rely solely on yourself.
2) The extra mile that friends go to help us is out of this world. It is God's love radiating through..
3) I've come to appreciate the different gifts that God has endowed each individual, and to see them using it to the fullest potential. The question after that is, "What have I been endowed with, that I can contribute and give out too?"
Some of the loves of my life - COOL cell 2006
This picture was taken during cell breakfast one sunday morning. Notice the similarity?
It's been 4 years, and I've seen them grow from kids to teenagers! How time flies.. I had a fair share of hope, of disappointments, of smiles and laughter, of tears and fears, of frustration, of delight, of joy, yet of sorrow. Lessons along the way, of learning to teach and guide them, to challenge them, and to stop spoonfeeding them. Perhaps, through it all, I learnt the most. How to offer grace, how to let go of my own ideals, how to let go and let God, and of course, how to love them the way God does. I have always wished I had done more, loved them more, cared for them more, prayed for them more, but I guess it's never ending.. In the midst of it all, i see His grace coming through. Thank God. =)
Doing a group project on fatherhood, and among many things, one thing that struck me was how a parent of teenagers shared about seizing the opportunity when his children take the initiative to open up. It is so true, as I reflected on how hard it is to work with teenagers, how hard it is to get them to open up, and how rare it was to have such moments where you're given just a 'window of opportunity' to speak into their lives. I could relate to it, because it's somewhat like parenting this kids in church.. ok, i shldn't call them kids anymore.. But it's so true, that there are only special and rare moments where they allow you into their lives and fully interalize wat you say.. so it's seizing the window of opportunity. =)
Undeserved.
It's been a long time since the last time I did a all-nighter. Studying in sch on a sunday was certainly not a norm, but since exams are upcoming, I better start eh? The all-nighter was unplanned though - forced by unforseen circumstances. It was a day of 'oh no', as I start to realize that my seemingly straightforward research project was a real complicated and messy one. Yet, I am overwhelmed by so many things that happened over these few hours.
Sacrifice. There were so many deadlines, papers due, tests upcoming, work to do, and all of you dropped your things to help me in one way or another. It blows my mind how much friends can go the extra mile.. "Thanks" simply fails to capture the essence of gratitude I have.
To cheryl, thank you so much for helping me think thru the survey and all, when you are in fact more stretched than me in your deadlines. Your sacrifice in stopping your work and patiently going through the thought processes with me amazes me, as I see your selflessness and act of putting others first. Trust me, you really helped me in great ways, bcoz i start to get clearer each time, not to mention just the act of you checking on my progress once in a while was a real comfort in itself. Thank You.
To rach, thank you for helping me think thru the things too, although we're quite blur together in this whole area of stats. It was enjoyable making so many trips to cheers together, and to just sit around and just chat. You are a companion, a gd one. =)
To joel, which amazes me at how you go the extra extra mile, as if it was your project. You taught me what it means to give and to sacrifice. Thank you, for being there, for your brain juices, for all your time and energy, despite your work due. How you researched, dwelved into textbooks, called up friends, and wat's more, the steady encouragements that it'll be alright, though i know you were a little worried abt it too.
To sam, for the nice little chat that we had during dinner, to which took my mind off things. It's such a pleasure to talk abt things upon our hearts yah? To have you around, to laugh over the freezer room - your presence was a comforting delight.
To xiang bin and eric, though you guys probably wont' read this. I was amazed at how Xiang Bin took time to listen to my scenario, rack his brains and suggested solutions over the phone, and how he msged me after that referring me to pple who may know better. and another msg later, that said "you're right. my more than smart friend says it's chi square." It wasn't the literal content of the msg that made my heart grateful, it was the action behind it, the trouble taken to go call up friends and find out whether things are going the right track. It blows me away. and of eric, of how jo discussed with him over MSN about the whole thing for so long, and he was there to explain, clarify, and help think through the problems.
To max, who sacrificed time on friday to help me figure out the mess. You play a big role in making things much clearer when all of us felt like lost sheep.
To each and everyone of you, my whole group is so grateful for all the help and effort you've contributed, though you had nothing to gain out of it. It taught us a lot about going the extra mile, about the love that can come only from God, and the undeserved sacrifice you've poured out. Never downplay the impact you've on my life, because even though we didn't manage to sort it out properly, it was never the end result that makes a difference, but the very act of love each one of you gave out. I think I kinda understand more of why
you cried during your bdae when we surprised you, the word is truly 'overwhelmed', overwhelmed by the magnitude of love.
So, an unplanned all-nighter, that was full of stress and worries initially, but somehow transformed into a night of rare lessons. Wanna know the crux of it which made my heart ache so much? The burden of not bieng able to produce the stats results transformed into a burden of "ouch!" when my professor said "it doesn't matter. if it's too complicated, you don't need to do it. it's not necessary." my jaw and my heart literally dropped. And saying sorry to all of you who sacrificed so much does not even justify the regret I have. What's more hearing all of you say "it's ok, treat it as a learning experience." But I know there's nothing I can do lah, except to thank you all again and again, and to ask the Lord to bless all your hearts.
On hindsight, an all-nighter is enjoyable, albeit the struggle in keeping awake and uncomfortable sleeping positions. The never ending flow of snacks, endless trips to Cheers, analysis of the toilets, polishing and learning more about the guitar, the sleepy faces in the morning over breakfast... All these are special memories to remember, if we do forget whatever we tried studying.. Still, I've come to an conclusion. We are getting old. I wonder how many more all-nighters can we last till we finally give up one day.. =) and for me, i shall go hibernate now.
Love is in the air..
Saw this test on Cher's blog, so decided to try it, although I already know.. The results were fully expected lah.. but i'm just wondering, that there is a bias, because we fill in what we think we are, and we already have a pre-fixed and pre-conceived idea of who we think we are. hmm. anyway, it doesn't matter. here's it.. =)
The Five Love Languages
My primary love language is probably
Physical Touchwith a secondary love language being
Quality Time.
Complete set of results
| Physical Touch: | | 12 |
| Quality Time: | | 9 |
| Words of Affirmation: | | 5 |
| Acts of Service: | | 4 |
| Receiving Gifts: | | 0 |
Information
Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz
