Walking this road to eternity..Walk with me, will you?

Random Thots..

Here's some random thoughts, just to prevent mould from growing here.. =)

Life's been good. Things have not changed, but my perspective has. so has my heart.

It's farnie how when life is good, I wonder how life can be that bad. It's simple, man (and woman) are forgetful creatures.

After all that struggling and wrestling, yet resting in His grace, I've made decisions along the way, discovered more about myself, re-focussed my vision for the future, and be so encouraged and affirmed that You are near. close proximity, in fact. Strengthened by your Word, delighted by Your presence, it's really all about You. What more can I ask for? There is nothing else I need. truly. bcoz you're more than enough for me.

Today, I'm amazed at how God made each of us so uniquely. Thank God for friends. When I was stressed over my research project, a friend kindly offered to help clear up any questions I had. Who else, but the one whose heart beats with statistics, whose eyes light up and dart with excitement at having his hypothesis come true, the one whose passion for research can be felt through the way he speaks. Max. I'm truly amazed at how God gives each of us different gifts, when the rest of us simply drown in the pool of SPSS, here is one brother, who is God-sent. Thank You, Lord!

Speaking of friends and people, it's really nice to sit back and delight each person for who God made them to be. All the little quirks and traits, all the passion and the energy, all the laughter and the tears.. It's times like these where everybody is so beautiful in some way or another.. I sometimes get amazed at how intricate and delicate each of us are uniquely wired, but of cos, I also go the other extreme at times - getting pissed, irritated, and just 'eck' over the dark side of mankind. Just catch me when I love you for who God made you to be.

Have you ever wondered why 2 seemingly independent letters 'O' and 'K' get lumped together, and they mean so much? So much that it's probably the most oftenly used word on English. Who was the one who invented 'OK' then?

Have you ever felt a wave of sadness suddenly sweep over you? I sometimes do, for no rhyme or reason. Just when I was watching TV today, and suddenly, i realized that there was this very subtle, but yet, staying, sadness. Not really sadness, though. Somewhat like sadness, but it's just a dull ache. kinda. oh well, it's so hard to explain or describe such things. Anyway, the cue is to drop all things and start praying. Stop procrastinating, Esther.

Thank you for the MnMs today. I felt loved. =)

So excited for retreat. So excited to hear their theme, which rhymes so much with my heart, and especially just having gone through a phase that is similar - Resurrection. God has the power to resurrect the dead, in all senses of the word. What profound truth! Why do I feel that this retreat is gonna be way awesome?

posted by sDiEnDo @ 9:52 PM 1 comments

Clarity in Confusion..

I sighed a bit too many heavy sighs today.

4 things are bugging me :

1) After I told rach lim that I have no reason to go for EA mission trip, neither do I have reason not to go.

2) After my parents started commenting that I shld teach sec sch instead. I question my 'passion'. I question if I truly am so passionate in teaching kids. I question if i really wan to do this for the rest of my life. Why do I kinda wish that God wld close the door? Why do I always yearn for closed doors?

3) Sitting in social work lecture today, learning about domestic violence. It stirred my heart again, and it reminded me of a specific area that I know I have an inclination towards. I miss those times when I was on attachment as a social worker. I miss being on the ground level, being in touch with the community. I miss being exposed to all the vices and pains of humanity, or inhumanity, and being constantly reminded, that we are only human.

4) Words like 'missions', 'jack haynes', 'pastor matthew wai', 'evangelism', makes my heart palpitate.. Why do I feel like a 'Jonah'? Actually, I have no cause to be confused. because i know, that if i sit down and really re-evaluate my life, and determine what is truly important, and set my heart upon it, there is only one way i can go. souls for eternity. And I know why I always wish for closed doors, because I wish God would just force me to a corner to which I cannot disobey, or just get a big fish to swallow me up.

It's weird, how my heart is so confused, but actually, i tink i do know the answer deep within, somewhere, somehow.. Perhaps, I have been looking in the wrong places. Give me more grace, strength and courage to walk this road to eternity, will You?

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. Proverbs 16:9

posted by sDiEnDo @ 11:22 PM 1 comments

Of fathers and grandfathers..

today, I 'forced' my father to be my interviewee for a 3000 word paper that was due tmr. This paper required me to interivew someone about their life story. Having 24 hrs left to interview and flesh out a paper, my father was the best choice. Little did I know that it would bring up so much emotions deep within.

I heard of my father's childhood, and his mischevious ways that I could never have imagined. I heard of how he worked hard with willpower and discipline, against all odds adn circumstances. I heard of his love story between him and my mum. I heard of his thoughts of being a retiree now. I heard his advice for the younger generation.

I am left in awe, and in deep respect. It made me realized I have taken so many things for granted. For the big study table i have, for the times he drove me around.. He made sure that my siblings and I had the best study environment, so that we could study without distractions. He was our 'taxi driver', fetching us to and fro, despite being tired and all, becuase that was the way his father showed him love. Hearing my parent's love story made me realize that they have been through it all. been there, done that. it's funny imagining their courtship and all.. and suddenly, i realized that they fully understand the struggles we go through, and that the concept of love is not alien to them. As i listen to his thoughts about growing old, and how to find ways to make the days meaningful, i realized, "my father is really quite old." I was shocked too, when i asked him whether he had any advice for the younger generation, and without a second of hesitation, he stronlgy echoed 'Yes!". How long have my father thought about such things, but never had the opportunity to share with us?

Apart from being moved deeply by my father's stories, i was also moved deeply by his stories of my grandfather. I had never knew my grandfather was a 'gangster head'. can you believe that? I never knew that as a taxi driver, my grandfather would make his children his priority, to the extent of fetching them around the whole day, thus runining the opportunity for extra cash.. I think back of my grandfather, trying to imagine that influential man who was well known in the estate, even though he turned over a new leaf. However, memories of the times he humbly tried to learn english just to connect with us flooded my mind. I still remmeber the day when he was practicing his 'Thank You" with us, which made us laugh. the next day, he died. it's been 10 years since that day, and i suddenly realized, i do miss my grandfather. i cried. it's funny how we only start treasuring people when they are gone, dont' we?well, it's been 10 years, and it's funny how we can get so busy with our own lives, that precious memories just fade away..

Of fathers and grandfathers, I simply dunno wat to say. Tears of regret, of awe, of respect, of amazement, of love. it's things like these that are so rare, i need to treasure them.

posted by sDiEnDo @ 6:23 PM 1 comments

A myriad of emotions..

ok, for once, let me talk abt my day, bcoz it was a day of much variety, much emotions, much to muse over. Its' not easy to do so, since I've long been accustomed to refraining from sharing my mundane life. but let's give it a try for once.

I went for an interview today. for my dream career - teach. inspire. change lives.
I learnt a couple of things about myself :

Being highly confident of articulating my strong beliefs of the profession, it's probably the first interview that I had no qualms about. It's the "This is what I have. Take it or leave it". Perhaps also because I took it with the intention to test out the open and closed doors. Striding with composure, only to have my confidence a teeny weeny bit shaken, because of my deviant choice to wear jeans to an interview that may determine my life career, when I saw people after people in shirts, ties and pants. Not that I did not consider the possible consequences, but I realized that this deviant streak to challenge societal norms has grown over the years.. Interview went fine, with a interesting and passionate conversation with the chairman. The crunch time came, when he asked me if i would re-consider teaching in secondary schools bcoz they need pple like me there. It took 1 second for me to respond, but many thoughts flew past in my head in that split second. "Should I let go of my passion for primary school and just compromise, so that I can be a teacher, and get higher pay? After all, all degree holders teach secondary school." That second was crucial, it was the deciding point of my future. and i said "No. I would still prefer primary school". and that's it. Where did I get this "Take it or leave it" attitude? The temptation of more $$, of being where I'm supposed to 'belong', of expectations of society, at the compromise of my passion. Yet, I walked out of the interview room knowing that I closed many doors on myself, but knowing full well that that gives opportunities for miracles. It's a pattern I've learnt through the years, to close all possible human doors, so as to see God opening them. A dear friend once commented "Esther, you always like to test God leh!". Is that right? Of deviance, challenges, and compromise, all fades away, as long as I am walking right. in Him.

I felt kinda contended today, just seeing some dear friends smile from the bottom of their hearts. It made me wonder "Wow. admist all the angst, disappointments, dejection, xianness I may feel, looking at the simple things of life makes joy arise again. Delight, joy, and contentment, all because of a tired, but genuine smile."

After all the rush of project meetings, there's the adrenaline of doing work at a fast pace. Why do I get a kick of rushing here adn there, having to talk at double the speed and eat as if there's no tomorrow? Maybe because it aids in 'running away' season. sighs.

Went for bible study today, for the 2nd time. and boy, i'm hooked. I'm surprised how despite a long day, there is such a high level of alertness, of concentration, and of energy.. Not to mention the 'water to my soul' part of it, not to mention being bombarded with issues and challenges. Like today. about the 2nd coming of Christ. It made me wanna re-evaluate my life. What exactly am I building on? wood, hay and straw, or jewels? I really need to internalize the concept of judgement, of souls, of sin, of heaven and hell, of eternity. To move from the head to the heart. and once that happens, i believe, my life would change radically. What truly matters? I'm afraid that once I truly answer that question, I would find my world upside down. But, I cannot look back and settle for compromise anymore. Bible Study stirs my hunger for Your word, and I wonder, what took me so long to drag my feet there, only to realize that I run back each week panting for more?

One of my life's greatest fear is to find that I don't know You, and you, anymore.

posted by sDiEnDo @ 12:56 AM 0 comments

Interesting Poem..

I'm tired and thinkin'.. - "Moving Thoughts"

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
Before meeting the right one?
When we finally meet the right person,
We will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes
Another door opens.
But often times we look so long at the closed door
That we don't see the one that has opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind of friend
That you can sit on a porch and swing with.
Never saying a word and then walk away
Feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it.
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love
Is never an assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return
Wait for it to grow in their heart
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

It only takes a minute to get a crush on someone
An hour to like someone and a day to love someone.
Don't go for looks, they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth, even that fades away.

Go for someone who makes you smile,
It takes only one smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

There are times in life when you miss someone so much
That you just want to pick them from your dreams
And hug them for real!

Dream what you want to dream,
Go where you want to go,
Be what you want to be.
Because you have only one life and one chance
To do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to make you happy.

Always put yourself in the others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
it probably hurts the other person too.
The happiness of people don't necessarily have the best of everything
They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt,
Those who have searched, and those who have tried.
Only they can can appreciate the importance
Of people that have touched their lives.

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past,
You can't go on well in life until you let go Of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying,
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

posted by sDiEnDo @ 8:27 AM 1 comments

Hope

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

"Nothing is more grievous than the disappointment of a raised expectation, though not in the thing itself by a denial, yet in the time of it by a delay: Hope deferred makes the heart sick and languishing, fretful and peevish; but hope quite dashed kills the heart, and the more high the expectation was raised the more cutting is the frustration of it. It is therefore our wisdom not to promise ourselves any great matters from the creature, not to feed ourselves with any vain hopes from this world, lest we lay up matter for our own vexation; and what we do hope for let us prepare to be disappointed in, that, if it should prove so, it may prove the easier; and let us not be hasty. Nothing is more grateful than to enjoy that, at last, which we have long wished and waited for: When the desire does come it puts men into a sort of paradise, a garden of pleasure, for it is a tree of life. It will aggravate the eternal misery of the wicked that their hopes will be frustrated; and it will make the happiness of heaven the more welcome to the saints that it is what they have earnestly longed for as the crown of their hopes. "
Commentary http://www.apostolic-churches.net/bible/mhc/proverbs/13.html

When dreams are shattered, and hope is dead, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121. I lift up my eyes to the hills.

posted by sDiEnDo @ 12:09 AM 1 comments

Let go..

To "Let Go," does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "Let Go," is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To "Let Go," is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "Let Go," is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands - but in God's.
To "Let Go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To "Let Go," is not to care for,
but to care about.
To "Let Go," is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To "Let Go," is not to judge,
but to allow another to be the human being they choose to be.
To "Let Go," is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "Let Go," is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality - regardless of how painful it might be.
To "Let Go," is not to deny,
but to accept.
To "Let Go," is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead - to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To "Let Go," is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To "Let Go," is not to regret the past,
but grow and live for the future.
To "Let Go," is to fear less and live more.
Let Go and Let God.

-anonymous

I want to let go. I need to.

posted by sDiEnDo @ 8:59 AM 0 comments

The beauty in dead leaves..

Walking home along the pathway, I glanced to the patch of field on my left.. It used to be a luscious sight of green, but today, it was a dreary sight. The colour was brown, the texture was dry and crisp, the cause of it? Death. Dead leaves strewn over the whole field, from all the shedding trees recently. Spirits went down at the dreary sight.

And I wondered : Seems like trees have their seasons in Singapore too.

But suddenly, it just simply hit me, that behind their seasons, was a designer, a Creator at work! My spirits soared.. and it started to get beyond comprehension, of how the trees were made this way, that in every season of their life, the Creator meant for it to be this way! All kinds of creation started jumping into my minds - plants, animals, humans! and it was a bit intimidating to venture into the full comprehension of how intricately and delicately every single part of us were created. Intimidating bcoz just a little thot on it makes the heart throb of marvel..

Perhaps, it was even more encouraging to realize that even though things may seem dead, dry and lifeless, God is still at work! Things may seem like a cycle, but it's good to know that green leaves will still sprout, that perhaps death and dryness may not be that bad a thing after all.

Images of how the plant grows from a seed, to a seedling, to a miniature plant, to a bush, to a tree flashes across my mind. And sometimes, i stop and wonder how did the mini bushes outside my balcony grow to big trees that block the sunlight at the 2nd floor.. but sadly, one never wonders about it very much.. It's farnie trying to internalize and understand how exactly did growth take place right under our noses, without us realizing.. and likewise with how babies grow into children, adolescents, young adults, mature adults, and finally, the elderly.

It is a good reminder, that growth is caused only by the Creator God. As with our spiritual growth, only Creator God causes that growth. It was never us. And I hope that likewise with the plants, that in our walk with God, even at times when we fail to stop and reflect on how much we've grown, we are still growing, as long as we remain in Him.

Of growth, plants, death, leaves, and human - the common denominator? Creator God.

Ain't that such beauty in dead leaves?

posted by sDiEnDo @ 8:14 PM 1 comments

Cheeky Sandra

Our ever-so-cheeky DG mate, Sandra! Doesn't she just look so cute, and pinchable?!?! =)

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:35 PM

Gail and Clydia

My DGL, and my DG mate.. I don't know when they took this picture, but I found it in the camera.. naughty gals!! But nice shot!

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:34 PM

Our 2 esteemed 'jie's..

2 women I respect greatly, for their walk with God, for their wise words of counsel, for the love that they radiate!

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:33 PM

Rach!

My beloved co-region CM, one who has never failed to inspire, encourage, and walk with me through life's journeys!

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:32 PM

Models for Haagen Daz.. *Yummy!*

I like this photo because we look so happy! But let's not remember that our faces will become rounder after eating all that calories.. =)

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:30 PM

Keys to my heart..

Still very much dear to my heart.. Strike the chords to my heart, will you?

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:28 PM

A new shift..

Hi all,

I've decided to shift here finally... Enough of ebloggy! (sorry, joseph!) The reason being that photos can be easily hosted here compared to ebloggy.. sighs.. all that hard work... and I shall be done with all the nice blog templates.. They are impractical.. haha.. well, for now, it's practicality, functional, and simple!

posted by sDiEnDo @ 10:11 PM