Everything is different!
Wow. a chain of events last night on MSN left me really excited, and my heart swelled. So much, I can't stop smiling and praising God. So much, I coulnd't sleep till 2am. Do you smell the air of revival? Wow. I think my heart cannot take it anymore.. And it's not even retreat yet. Wait till we come face to face with God. It feels like I'm gonna die, cos I cannot catch my breath in all the excitment.. Well, at least I'll die smiling. heh.And the exactly apt song on Zj's blog :Now that you're near,Everything is different,Everything's so different, Lord.I know I'm not the same,my life You changed,I wanna be with You. In an email that MOE sent me, it made my heart drop. Part of it says "Please note that this Ministry reserves the right to re-assign your curriculum subjects." Can you just see me screaming, kicking, and whining "I want to teach primary school only!!!" Argh. but oh well, your thoughts are not my thoughts, and your ways are not my ways. I choose to trust. again.
It has been decided..
I just sent out an email to MOE :Dear Sir and Mdm,
In view of satisfactory University results, I have decided to pursue the Honours year. Kindly please note my request for deferment into NIE, and let me know if there are any documents that I need to produce.
Thank You.
Yours sincerely,
Esther Lum Hui Shan------------------------------------------------------So this is it. I am doing honours. sighs. I really never thought I would walk this path. It has been a long journey, of ups and downs, deliberations, and fickle-mindedness, admist all the funny reasons of why I want to graduate this sem. *winks* I still remember last sem, where I was telling God that I would do honours if I had miracle results, and when it happened, there was a denial that God had his hand in this. So after a semester of denial, I am still back to square one. A funny dream that made me go check out MOE's website, and then deciding to try out the interview for fun, having got through it at odd circumstances, Soo Wei Jie advising me to do honours first, and realizing that MOE would wait for me as I defer without any cost on my part.. What more can I ask for? And looking back, it's funny how I insist on waiting till today 3pm results day before convincing myself that "yes, I am doing honours." It is funny, because I have already decided to go for EA mission trip, which clashes with commencement. Talk about leaving a back door, when actually, I know I have decided long ago. So, ISM, here i come. The thot of doing honours scares me a bit now. I have forgotten the costs of it. Like the hard work, not to mention that most of my good friends are going into the field already. Who's left? Those really 'zai' people, who execute perfect presentations in class, and are fully prepared for tutorials. argh. I can't possibly smoke through now right?hehe.. another year of canteen food. another year of mugging in the library. another year of books and presentations. another year of writing essays few hours before the deadline. another year of cell in a classroom. another year of being titled a 'student'. another year of pocket money. and maybe, another year of making a difference to campus. To those leaving, dun be sad. This is life. Just visit us sometimes! =)
Highly Excited!!
An unexpected call left me highly excited! It was from a colleague in Carecorner FSC, the place where I had attachment last year, asking me if i'm available to help out in their children camp next week.. Memories came flooding back, of how i enjoyed myself so much over there, of how I loved the children and their idosyncracies, and how social work rhymed so much with my heart.
It was heartache to tell her that I have chosen teaching, that I would not be going back to Carecorner. But I guess we can't always have the best of both worlds in life. I am extremely delighted to be asked to help out, especially in this area of passion. It is a privilege, to know that I can contribute something to them, to the kids, and that i'm not a liability, i'm an asset!
As she told me the camp dates, and described what it's going to be, my heart swelled with joy. Yet, thoughts of how i have to finish sermons, workshops, games, and translate them to chinese before retreat hold me back. Thoughts of my cell's BBQ on thursday hold me back. Thoughts of having to reach out to the basketball gals as evangelistic outreach by next week hold me back too. It's gonna be real tight, and I dont' want to imagine how to fit everything in.
Maybe I really think I am superwoman,
or maybe this is called irrationality,
but I said "yes, of course I would be delighted to help out!"
and I guess this is what passion does.
So here am I,
excited and grinning,
to seize the chance to pursue what I can,
even if I'm not in the social work field.
Oh, I am really so excited!!
Disoriented..
I am just reminded of the fact that I am human. It's funny how I need reminders. That I am not perfect.That I step on people's toes.That I can be insensitive and selfish.Maybe sometimes I think that I'm superwoman.Or I try to act like one,to only realize, I fall on my feet each time.I feel the coldness.
Yet, I can't put a finger to it.
I don't know what's going on,
and I'm wanting to know.
I used to hate conflicts and confrontations,
I used to be so scared of people holding grievances against me.
Because it meant I had done something wrong.
But now,
How I treasure honesty,
Because it's a time to say sorry,
to look back at what went wrong,
and to say "God, mould me."
How I wish I can just ignore things,and not be affected by situations.But it does hurt,if things are not restored to the times we've enjoyed together.One gets hurt,
and I get hurt too,
for hurting you, for seeing my ugly nature,
It will take time,
Till then,
Sigh.
So I guess I'm human.
Capacity to hurt, capacity to be hurt.
Yes, that is no excuse.
But I am thankful,
that through it all,
Abba Father still embraces,
those with porcupine spikes yet bleeding hearts.
He will stop the bleeding,
He will pluck out the spikes.
That I am certain.
Listen to your longings..
Longings. We all have them. I've been struggling quite a fair bit with my own the past week, and I came across an article "Listen to your longings" given to me by Shyan long time ago. It was so apt in helping me see what's happenign right now. Let me share..
We dont' want to listen to our longings. We don't like them. They are inconvenient, uncomfortable, embarrasing, uncontrollable, revealing, terrifying, and potentially devastiting. They cause us pain and fear. Yes, I am afraid of my longings. And have been fighting to kill them. But it seems I have been fighting the wrong battle, because, according to the article, longings will not be 'fixed'.
Is our Christian faith about trying to kill our desire to be loved, or about surrendering our longings to Christ? It was a great reminder, that as I listened to my longings this week, that we are made for more than this world has to offer us. If any comfort, our longings can teach us to understand God and ourselves more, to realize that we are like swiss chesse, where the holes in us are supposed to be there.
So I learnt, that I am not supposed to fight the longings as if they were monsters, but to realize that they are meant to be there, and there's a better way to deal with them. Amidst the many tips that the author suggested, one caught my eye.
It says :
Grieve.Put your head on the chest of God and weep. Until I come to the end of "longings management" - trying to hold it all together, I can't trust Christ. But when I bring Him my crumpled longings, from holding them so tightly in my fist, He will hold them for me. He will be enough.
I'm learning. Are you listening to your longings today?
MInd-blowing..
My brain feels taxed. and I can't stop sighing.
Don't get me wrong, the valley was yesterday.
Today is climbing up a mountain to reach the peak,
and i'm always amazed at how quickly i forget the intensity of the valley.
I think the word is overwhelmed.
At the sudden reality that there's not much time left,
and the amount of work I have yet to do.
So much to prepare,
yet, no idea where to begin.
Its' time to stop gallivanting,
and I shldn't complain,
but why does everything seem to be squashed within this wk?
Overwhelmed too,
at the sight of my dear friends,
whom one by one share of how they are also overwhelmed.
It's contagious, I think,
and I really pray that the head knowledge of "My grace is sufficient for you"
transits to heart knowledge,
that we can unite together and smile at the end of it all,
testifying of how He brought us through.
Overwhelmed also,
at my inability to spend enough time with dear friends who are leaving,
but, oh, when will it ever be 'enough'?
2 gone at 6am to Nepal for 2 months,
1 gone at midnight to UK for 2 wks.
I dislike the feeling of farewell, but this is life.
Facing the option of bringing forward my EA trip,
I hesitate to say yes.
Why?
Because when earlier plans are changed, I feel insecure.
Because it means a few more days apart from my family and friends.
Because it means I would subjet myself to temptation from shopping.
Ultimately, it is all about insecurity.
And insecurity is something God is teaching me.
Stop depending on family and friends,
but to depend soley on Him.
It's painful, but necessary.
And indeed, God is working, subtly, slowly, but surely.
I thought he forgotten about it,
I thought he closed 2 eyes.
This is the rope that holds me back,
the very first time I was convicted about missions;
the time I chose not to go on ACTS,
and now, after 2 years,
God is still cutting the rope, gradually.
SOS?
I dunno wat's happening.
I dunno why this is happening.
I can feel it's onset.
I know exactly what is going to happen next.
Because it has happened over and over again.
No matter how I run,
I cannot run from it's clutches.
It slowly creeps on me,
and nothing I do,
can help me kill it.
Each day is a battle,
A losing battle,
As I try to take measures and precaution,
to delay the onset..
I'm almost at my wits end,
trying to nip the root issues,
But still,
they keep coming back.
Help.
No more pretending - Scott Krippayne
I can look good when I want to
I know the right things to say
I cover up what I don't want you to see
But You see it anyway
Maybe I think I can fool You
Maybe I'm fooling myself
I want to change but I don't know how
And I need Your help
CHORUS:
No more pretending
No more pretending Lord,
I know I need to tell You the truth tonight
Everything is not alright in my life
And I need You like never before
I don't want to pretend anymore
I'm tired of hiding my weakness
I'm tired of trying to look strong
I don't want to say that everything's fine
When there's so much that's wrong
Tell me again that You love me
Though it's more than my heart understands
And I will lay down my disguises
And show You who I am
Antz.
Last night, I planned to use my brain today. To start working on the overdue 2 sermon outlines, and 1 discipleship workshop for EA. It's a pity, as I sit here typing at 5.52pm, that I have not started on anything yet.
Why?
All because I found a long trail of ants in my study room.
(actually, I found them long long ago, just that I tried living with them harmoniously). Well, the button in me suddenly clicked, and I exclaimed this morning, "HEY! THERE ARE ANTS IN MY ROOM!!!" but ah, the thought of having to find the nest and clear them out made me think twice about whether I should just rear them as my pets. Oh well, I then decided to exterminate them lah, bcoz it's not normal to have ants in your room. Mind you, it's not because I'm dirty ok. It's just that I was lazy to heed my mother's nagging to clean out my bookshelves during CNY.
So I dragged out all my shelves, vacummed the layers of dust underneath it, took out my years of rubbish, sorted them through, cleaned every surface, and filed all my notes and categorized them! It felt good lah, looking at my bookshelves now.. They look so neat, all papers in files, neatly labeled, books arranged in descending order of height. Unimportant things (or rather, things that I'm ready to throw out after years of holding on) are finally thrown out.
I found a couple of ant nests - places where a lot of ants congregate..I conclude one thing. Ants do not know God. because they like to stay in the darkness, where there is no light. haha. I found them in empty boxes, crooks and cravines. Perhaps they have gathered there for a sermon. But nevertheless, it was a massacre today. and I am happy. It was good exercise.
But my sermons and workshops still remain non-existent. :( Let's try again tmr. argh.
I was just thinking of how long I had co-habited with these ants of mine. and how come I grew to adapt to seeing them around. Shouldn't it be alarming to see ants crawling about? Ah, the truth of the matter is, I saw them one by one at first. As they gradually made frequent appearances, I start to get conditioned to seeing them around. I get de-sensitized with their presence over time. Hmm.. Perhaps they do know psychology after all? haha. Nevertheless, isn't this how it's like with sin? It all starts small, and we close two eyes, being too lazy to get to the root of the problem.. and we get desensitized to its' presence,but finally, hopefully, it would take one day for us to exclaim "HEY, THERE'S SIN IN MY LIFE!". By then, the task to exterminate it would seem like an humongous task, guranteed sweat and hard work, but then, it is absolutely necessary. Or else, we would be living in an ant nest, where ants do not like living in the light.
Home visits..
I did my first home visit for one of cell kids today. Boy, I enjoyed it! It reminded me of the home visits I did during social work attachment. On the way to her house, I tried refreshing my memory about what to look out for, what to assess, and how to intervene etc.. so social work style. but this is different, cos it's coupled with prayers! It was truly a joy to be able to spend time with her, giving all my attention to her, and hearing how life has been. And to conclude the visit with a prayer, and dinner together, I was truly blessed. I intended to go and minister. I left ministered. I intended to go and speak of God's goodness. I left overwhelmed at His goodness in their lives. I feel like visiting all my kids in their homes.. because it's a different dimension of them. It helps me see the environment they live in..i feel like my ex-sunday sch teacher, who visited me at home. haha. and to me, they were very old that time. and now, i must seem very old to my cell kids. hmm. The only 'problem' I have is : Do I call their parents "Aunty and Uncle"? or "Mr and Mrs XXX"? or do I just say "Hello!" haha. I guess it's time to start getting used to talking to parents. ------------------------------------------------------------
All the times you thought that I'm closed up.All the times you said that I don't share my life with you.All the times you felt hurt that I don't 'trust' you enough to share..The truth of the matter is :I am always ready to share. It's just that I have no opportunity to.Because you didn't ask. Because I feel bad to interrupt. Because I don't want to talk about myself if you ain't interested.Not that I mind anyway. I'm used to it.
Xianz..
These few days, and perhaps the past week, has seen me very xian, and moody. Talks less, smile less. Get irritated more, Get pissed more. Although it was slowy creeping up, I did not realize it until the climax yesterday at family dinner. My parents are worried, and my father asked me today if it's bcoz of stress of EA trip etc.. It really ain't, but yet, i somehow couldn't remember why i was so moody yest. I wanted to give a reason, offer an explanation, but I have none. This is scary, bcoz I think I have just realized what guys mean when they say women have mood swings. Women. Unfathomable. Blame it on PMS? I really dunno.. But it just amazes me how I can be so emotional yesterday, as if the world was crashing down, but after sleeping for 9 hours, I wake up like the whole world is ready to be conquered. and i can't remember why it was so intense yesterday. This sounds a little schizo. haha. or is it manic depressive disorder?
Anyway, my most regret was not being Spirit controlled and to take control of my emotions. I knew that I was xian. I knew that I was affecting people around me, and yet, i wallow in it. It embarrases me now, to know that bcoz of my lack of self control, pple are affected. Oh well, let's try again next time. =)
And the heat this week is killing me! How come it feels like i'm in EA already? and they say EA is worse!! ARGH! Maybe it's prep time, cos I learnt that in this heat, i become super irritable. as well as head-achey. How?
Can I just tell you once more?
Can I tell you just how much I love my cell?
My kids. Just that they have now grown up, but forever, my kids.
Being away from them for a few weeks somehow brings a new perspective to things. I remember being frustrated and irritated at how my patience was tested. I struggle to offer grace, and to guide them slowly. Love runs dry, and I become results oriented. However, after a few weeks break, where I hermit-ed myself to mug for exams, I realized things have changed.
When God says that He would resurrect the dead in my life, He indeed did it, and is still doing so..Gradually, subtlely, but surely. I am so very grateful for the renewal of passion, of love, and of grace that I can pour out once again.
It also took just 4 words from Pastor Cui Xian to help me put things into perspective. “Work on their strengths”, she says. How could I forget that, after 3 years of training of strengths perspective? Sighs.. this goes to show how we can fail to put into practice what we learn in the textbooks. But yes, Strengths Perspective. It revolutionized my whole world of working with people, especially youths.
Just last week, reality became stark naked to me, as I was taken aback by how my cell kids are not practicing spiritual disciplines, much less growing vibrantly. Argh. I have always blamed myself for neglect, but it’s always No Action Talk Only. Now, finally, there is a plan churning in my head, of how I will meet them up personally in pairs to mentor them, with grace and love, of course. Nevermind that I have always desired to mentor them months ago, and is only still in the desiring stage.. I am one step closer to doing so, and enough of looking back. It’s not going to be easy, it’s gg to be intensive and draining, but I sense the urgency, and somehow, I can’t neglect them anymore.
It’s so funny too, how I pushed and pull them to go for retreat last year, but none went. And this year, without much effort, half of them are going. I am truly excited. And what privilege it is this year, to have them be enthusiastic about going for outings, like cycling at Ubin recently. I honestly can’t pinpoint why the sudden change, I dunno why the dynamics of the group improved. And I can only give thanks. =)
It’s so sad to realize that 9/10 in my world of friends have watched MI3.. But there is a cause to rejoice, because all of my cell kids haven’t. hehe. I am looking forward to lunching with them and watching the movie together. Finally. =)
--------------------------------
Catching up with an old friend, Lydia, and sharing honestly how I feel about certain things sure set me thinking. Of friendships. I have an issue, call it a handicap maybe, of not missing people when they are gone. As such, I was telling her how I view friendships as come and go, that there are seasons in life where you just get closer to some friends, and just say goodbye to others. And I seldom look back, but only look at the present and the future. Sighs. Is it really so? Is this really me? the unsentimental me, unappreciative of old bonds? I question how I treat my friends. I question how I view our relationships. Why does something tell me that I am inclined to independence and hermit-ditry? If so, why do I, on the other hand, value people and relationships so much too? to the point of being sure that my passion in life is definitely people. I have a theory. This evidence supports my theory.
My theory that I care for people because it is a social pressure to, and that makes me a hypocrite. I have yet to sort out all these issues within me. Each time I start to point fingers at somebody, charging them of practicing favortism, charging them of not really loving me, of being bias, of neglecting me, of being selfish and individualistic, I end up having nothing to say, because of all the charges heaped on them, I practice them all. More, in fact. Hence, I can only resolve to work out my weaknesses, and stop blaming them for theirs.
Someone asked me why must I be so hard on myself, it doesn't do me any good.
Someone told me that I'm too intensive.
Someone told me that I'm too critical of myself.
But really, how do you let go?
And don't get me wrong,
I still love myself. Too much, in fact.
It's just that these things are glaring in my face.
Or maybe I have a mental problem,
that has a voice in my head repeating '
hypocrite'.
and another thing!
oh! i forgot to say this :
STOP LAUGHING AT ME!haha.. Just because I cried many times while watching Eight Below. I really thought it was touching etc.. until I told Sam, and she said "Very sad meh?" faints. And I dun believe that i'm the only one who cried, so I went to ask rach and hann. And lo and behold, all of them laughed at me. Well, my only consolation is ** *** jie, whom I heard had a somewhat similar response to me.. hehe..
I tried analyzing why I cried. It is truly touching, and sad, and inspirational, no meh? I cried when the dogs left the oldest dog to die. I cried when the dogs got injured. I cried when Max, the dog, was left alone. I cried when the scientist saw his son's picture of the 8 dogs who saved his life. I cried when the owner was in anguish and desperation of not being able to get to them. and many more. argh.
Come on, admit it, you guys. I don't believe that you guys did'nt cry! hah!haha. that aside, i was wondering what touched me so much. something that transcends over species - humans and dogs alike. The love of the owner for the dogs, and their reciprocity. the unity of the dogs. The feeling of being rejected, of being abandoned, of being left to die.
The desperation and heartache of the owner. I realized how telling him to get over it would be useless, because they are so dear to him. It adds a new dimension to my understanding of counselling people, of how we would never understand wat something means to the person, and telling them to get over it really ain't that helpful. It reminded me that just because something is not so dear and impt to me doens't mean that i can just blow it away, cos it is very impt to the person.
aiyah, there's so much to digest and learn from, that it'll take ages to analyze and pinpoint the dynamics of each. In a nutshell, I was immersed into each of teh character's perspective, whether human or dog, and I am reminded of the nuances of life - love, pain, anguish, friendship, death.
If the guy could love his dogs like that, how much more does our Abba Father love us? It blows my mind.and STOP LAUGHING AT ME, YOU GUYS! haha..
Of this blogging business..
There ain't anything much to blog these few days.. In fact, there ain't anything much to blog in the first place. Emotional release? --> i've got my outlets elsewhere.. Updates to friends? --> I would prefer updates in person. Creating an identity for myself in this whole cyberspace? --> I think i have enough 'public' identities to sort out already.. So, maybe, perhaps, I may just take a break off this whole blogging business..Expectations unmetDesires unfulfilledVisions unreachedResponsibilities undoneI need to sort out stuffs with Abba.It's funny how we make so many plans during exams - dreaming of all the things we could do after exams. But suddenly, when exams are over, I felt lost. It's as if all these things planned for ain't that appealing anymore.. but, i'm excited once again. Excited of the mountainous work that is ahead.Preparation for EA mission trip is gonna be stretching, yet, amazing. and I muse over how I struggled so hard, so stubbornly abt refusing to join the trip initially, all because I was lazy, all becuase I know the hard work involved. But, it's a delight to realize, as i sat in the first meeting that night, that it is having to do all these, that makes my heart beat faster, that causes me to jump out of my lazybones and move forward. It certainly does help when i have to preach on God's love, and teach workshop on working with youths, because these topics rhyme with my heart, and makes it leap. and maybe, just maybe, it's me, exactly who I was made to be. Just when I was thinking about where should I move on from here, with regards to ministry, and "What now?". I need to explore new territories. and suddenly, in less than a week, there are new stuffs for me to do! (1) Volunteering to help sam with the admin for missions explosion month - I am just glad that there is something for me to contribute in this area, an area that I am sure now that it supercedes most things in catching my attention and getting me excited. (2)Agreeing to Pastor Ronald's offer "Got evangelistic opportunity. You want not?" without even counting the cost - that is really not me. While I am tempted to ask him to the specifics of what is required of me, commitment etc, I held back, and just charge. Because within me, I know, that it really doesn't matter whether it's hard work, or easy work, long commitment, or short commitment, much effort, or little effort. It is an evangelistic opportunity. nothing else to say, just grab! Come to think of it, it's also because I have always wished/prayed that opportunities and open doors would come my way, so that I can share the gospel with those who are somewhat ready to listen. I just want to be ready, in season and out of season. Something that struck me during Bible Study yesterday. Cecilla was illustrating of how sometimes, we are in need, and we try to call a fren for comfort, but there just ain't anybody to call! That's when God could be teaching us dependence on Him alone. I am reminded of the previous Hatyai mission trip, the one that made me declare that I should never, in my right mind, go for a mission trip ever again. Of how Becky also told me that God is dealing with my dependency on people, on friends, on loved ones. Standing alone, it felt like the world was crashing on me, and I was forced to seek solace in God alone. and boy, it works! I emerged stronger, and not being a people pleaser anymore, but a God pleaser. I thought I've learnt that lesson. of having my identity solely in Christ. of being confident in Him alone, and not about how i'm accepted among people. Then, why am I starting to feel that familiar lesson coming my way? Although not very similar, but the 'signs' and 'symptoms' are familar, and should I thank God that I realized it now before it gets too serious? The problem is, man never learns their lesson. We can only continue learning, but cannot declare that 'i've learnt it'. and perhaps, I've stopped learning the lesson for a while. Whatever you say, Abba.When I feel unloved, it's because I have forgotten His love for me.When I feel undesired, it's because I've forgotten how much He desires for my attention.When I feel forgotten, it's becuase I've forgotten how much He thinks about me. When I feel empty, it's becuase I've forgotten what it's like to be full of His presence.And yes, I have forgotten.
