Flying around
It's a hectic day, with so much rushing around, almost no time to catch my panting breath. I hate such flying around, such rush, such unstillness.. I hate to be only able to say 2 words to people I wanna spend time with : "hi!", "bye". I hate not being able to hear how dear ones are doing. I hate being so choleric and directive, often forgetting to smile in the midst of work. I hate having to rush around, yet not be able to finish up what I set out to do today. Yet, one has to be flexible. In the midst of it all, can I still be still in the busyness of life?
I met Shu Shyan [ex-DG Leader] for lunch today. and once again, i thank God for such people in my life, to speak life into me, to steer and guide, and to point me to the right source. One thing that she put across with such assertion hit me hard. "I want you to seek God about your graduation plans. Every decision should be made by faith and in obedience, and not because it seemed like the right course or right thing to do.." She said this after I told her of how I made my decisions to join MOE etc.. It really hit me hard, not because it's something new to me, (I've been hearing this a lot from the leaders), but with the forcefulness she used to challenge me. And yes, message got across. But something else struck me. Fear. "What if I really seek God about it, and God changes my plans? It would really give mummy and daddy myocardial infarct (which essentially means a heart-attack) . What if i really have to break my perfect plans?"Sighs. I really dunno. But one thing I am reminded of : that I should never make decisions that seem 'common-sense' to me, without hearing the divine direction. Today is also the first day I start tuitoring this p3 boy. While I come out of the session exhausted at having to find ways around his extremely short attention span, I come out with some observations too. This boy has so much fears.1) fear of the gangsters below his block whom he believes is out to catch him and extort money from him.2) fear of dengue fever. (I was rather surprised when he asked me what the bump on his leg was, and i said that was a mosquito bite, and he panicked of aedes mozzies and dengue fever etc..)3) fear of unnatural sounds at night (which his mother tells him is the gods protecting them)4) He tells me that he has a demon in his body, which turned on and off the lights in a restaurant.As I struggle to focus his attention on his work, yet sensing all my signals as a social worker and Christian light up, just what should i do? If I am a teacher, I would tell him to stop all his worrying, and concentrate on his worksheet.If I am a social worker, I would develop a safety plan to avoid the gansters, and run through with him alternative solutions. I would also whip out all my counselling theories, and dig out the fears one by one. Not to mention networking with his mother and brother, and checking out this family system.If I am a Christian, I would share with him how to call on the name of the Lord, and be saved. How there is so much peace, and not fear.Never before have I such a dilemma - I'm paid versus I'm trained versus I believe.. So what exactly did i do? I did a mix of everything, like affirming his safety plan to tie his shoelaces tighter so as to run faster. but the highlight came when I told him about my God of peace, that when I call on the name of Jesus, there is no fear. An interesting question came soon after : "Then buddhist how ah? If I call Jesus' name, will the gods get jealous not?"This is just a prologue to the demands of teaching. What is most important? To educate, to meet needs, or to point to the Saviour?
It feels like this..
It kinda feels like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. So many things to look out for, to do, to think about, to guard against, to pray about, to encourage, to spur on, to start.. And this reminds me of the song "He will Carry You" below.. and suddenly, it's not that heavy anymore. =)
There is no problem so big God cannot solve it. There is no mountain so tall He cannot move it.
There is no storm so dark God cannot calm it. There is no sorrow so deep, God cannot soothe it.If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders.I know , my brother, that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders.I know, my sister, that He will carry you.
He said, Come unto Me all who are weary , and I will give you rest.
Shh..
The term break is here, but it actually means more work, not more relaxation.
I'm 22 now, and it feels just the same like every other day when I was 21 lah. haha. Anyway, am so blessed this year with love abundant, with sweet gestures that melt my heart, and with sacrifices made that made me go 'ouch' for them.
I decided not to say so much, simply because this is a season of stillness. The message has been loud and clear these few days. I need to listen once again..
Shh.. Be still.
First time
This is the first time I've explained the 4 spiritual laws to someone, and have her go 'wow' at almost every point. This is the first time I've shared the sinners prayer with someone, and have her say "I think I'll say this prayer today.." before I could even ask her to make a decision.Today, a girl - Jian Xiong, joined the family of Christ. Rejoice with us, and do pray for her yah? =)
i'm ok.
I think this is the first time in my life that I had to say so many "I'm ok"s, and I really appreciate the concern from people. An evaluation of the numerous questions "Are you ok?" further confirmed that the question, coupled with physical touch, works best. But still, it fails to draw out what is really going on, simply because some things are just beyond words.. Have you ever wondered if people have time to hear you out if things are not ok? Or if they are really interested? And so what if you share your heart out? So what if you are not ok? And how do you define 'ok' anyway? Don't you understand that it's just so much easier to say "I'm ok", and spare people the hassle?
The days are flying past, and I wonder when will I genuinely smile from the bottom of my heart again.. The days are not a drag, don't get me wrong.. I guess this is just a more emotional season, where I can only seek solace in Abba Father.
As I walk through life, to hear the brokenness of my friends, to see the agony of things, and to feel the hurt that are unknowing inflicted, I just feel like a small little girl, wanting to curl up as close as possible to Daddy God.
The big day of 23rd Sept is approaching, and suddenly, i'm not that excited about it anymore, due to recent events. As such, I am hereby declaring that there is no obligation for any of you to celebrate with me anymore, even on saturday. The queen is retracting her golden scepter, because she also understands that Saturday would be a long day for those attending Fabia's wedding. =)
A Closure, and a Beginning..
After 4 days of my grandma's wake, today was the
closure - the cremation. I really appreciate each and everyone of you who intentionally came down to the wake,
Thank You. The wake has been draining physically, yet, it had been such a breakthrough spiritually. There was such a need to bond with our once-estranged relatives, and such a desire to see them come to know the Lord. This year has been a kinda weird year for me - a lot of emphasis on family. And it was comforting to know that the little love that I'm starting to have for my relatives, so much more does God have for them. It has been exciting, as I partner God in this vision, to learn once again to trust in Him entirely.
I have to admit that my grandma's death does affect me in some way, a dull ache I cannot explain. When I imagine her in heaven right now, I just can't wait to be there too. When, O Lord? hehe.. and before I start planning my wedding, perhaps, I shall start planning my funeral. It wont' be traditional. It would be unconventional. It must be life-changing, because, like the scouts' motto, I wanna leave this place better than before. Death is no longer taboo, and I can't wait. but let's make life on earth meaningful too.. =)
And guess wat? In a quick turn of events, I was suddenly arrowed to translate the prayer that Pastor David Lim made before we left for the cremation. Because the chinese pastor was late, and lo and behold, I was somehow the 'best candidate' to translate the prayer into Chinese simultaneously. I didn't do a that fantastic job, but it was adequate, I hope... It really feels like EA mission trip, where I get shocks like these, and it simply requires me to "just do it".. Still, it was a good experience. =)
And to mark this closure, there is a
beginning - the beginning of celebrating my bdae.. I had a bdae surprise today at sis Ervina's house, and it was such a sweet and pleasant one. It blessed my heart much, and I felt loved.
Thank you, guys.. =)
"I love you"..
It's 5am, and my eyelids are real heavy with only about 1-hr plus sleep, but I just can't sleep.. Was just at NUH in the early morning watching my grandmother lying in the ICU ward, fighting for her life. reached home at 2am, and images kept flashing past my mind - I'm kept disturbed and wide-awake.
I never had such an encounter with life and death. Watching grandma on the brink of death, having actually already gone, but technology like CPR and resucitation kept bringing her back.. It was a difficult sight, realizing how small and frail my grandmother had become, seeing a small body lying in the cold room sustained by tubes and all. It's almost as if she's dehumanized. It's painful to see her labour with each breath, it's painful to hear much adrenaline and medicine they pump into her extremely weak heart. It's times like this I wonder about technology again, and really, to what extent do man intervene with God's timing? I think I shall go sign the Advanced Medical Directive, something which has been on my mind for a long time..
So begins the grieving process. I never thought I would be that affected, after all, grandmother was barely more than a stranger that we visit once a year. Along comes regret, because somehow in the past weeks, I've felt prompted to go visit my grandparents, with a realization that yes, I do love them, surprisingly. How does love come about, when I do not really know them, with communication barriers even? And sam was the only person I told about these deep promptings - which were enough to move my heart deeply. I had intended to spring a surprise visit to them on my free day, but when that day came, it was crowded out with other stuffs, seemingly more important. And because grandma has been in-and-out for NUH for these past weeks, I told myself that I would visit her at the same time as my field trip over there, which is still 2 weeks away. Too late, esther.
Life and death. It's truly a fine line between them, measured by the beeping heart monitor that makes my heart drop everytime it stops for a while. As I look at the other ICU patients, some are seriously injured, it makes my heart ache of how a human body can be 'reduced' to such a state. I admire those doctors and nurses who are stationed there, on the frontline. I just wonder how they deal with the high mortality rate of their patients. Have they become numbed to it?
it's 5.37am, and I shan't attempt to go back to bed, lest I get haunted by the difficult images again.. I hope they'll go away soon. and,
I love you, Ah ma.
Awesome!
The question of the day : "Can you tell me how to become a Christian?"
Fantastic. It was from a girl that I met up with today, because she was interested in doing GIG with campus crusade. (GIG is for non-christians who wan to find out more about Christianity).
It was awesome, because she was so so so interested to know more about who this God is! I could just sense her hunger as she asked me question after question, and it's been a while since I had to explain prayer, baptism, salvation in the most basic terms that I could think of..
Guess what? She's from China. I seem to have an affinity with Chinese PRC's this semester, or is it just because they are more open to know more about Chirstianity? Anywayz, what a privilege to walk with her on this journey to knowing the One who satisfies beyond what we can imagine.
I've just been reminded these few days that I need to pray about ministry direction for next year. Argh. I hate to procrastinate, but really, it seems too far to start thinking about it. Or rather, it
feels too far. and yes, feelings can be wrong, because just in a blink of the ey, it would be December. Sometimes, having to make decisions are really *bleah*, but would you rather stay status quo all your life?
I was just telling Becky on sunday that I dun want to grow spiritually anymore, because guys find spiritually mature gals intimidating. Well, that was just a little gal's whine lah, and yes, I need to trust again.
School's still great, in my opinion, despite the never-ending readings and project work. This semseter, I seem to have a lot more project meetings than before, but i'm enjoying them lah, so no problem. I enjoy what I study too, but how come everything that goes in seems to come out the other side?
Some thoughts..
There's nothing much I really wanna say, but I just felt like spewing out random thoughts, perhaps cos the night is still young, and I'm procrastinating reading that thick library book..
- Why are we so dysfunctional?
- Thank God things are improving!
- I miss you guys..
- It's so good to be free!
- I'm trying.. I'm trying.. Be grateful, please..
- I really fail at being a good friend. Why am I never able to reciprocate the love and friendship each of you pour into my life?
- Sighs.. Why does everyone know about it now...
The last one was a thought to a question that has been posed to me many times... Remember my very funky class lunch at munchie monkeys? Apparently, some smart alec sent out an email to everyone after that recapping the good memories we had, and of all things he remembered, he said : .... and Esther sharing about missions.... So, all thanks to him, I have now quite a number of classmates who are asking me about my going into the mission field, when, what, where etc.. and that topic wasn't even 5min of the whole event! Well, it ain't that I don't like them asking, and I sense the excitement they have for me.. It's just that such questions are hard to answer - they leave me speechless. and really, i think some things are better off left hidden in the heart, and not publicized to the whole world.
and, in case if you are wondering whether i'm gg into the mission field, my answer is : I don't know what holds tomorrow. =)
Why not?
I just read a friend's blog condemning Christians for always trying to convert people to their religion.
I understand where this friend is coming from, but I have my own thoughts on this..
If I had experienced something that was good, wouldn't I want to share it with my friends? How selfish I would be, if I kept it only to myself. Would you believe me if I told you that the best thing that happened in my life is knowing the living God personally? Would you want to know more?and yes, it's true. I've only been a true Christian for 4 years. and my life has changed inside out. At the end of it all, i realized, it's not about religion. It's about a relationship with God. It was never about increasing the numbers or attendance, but it is about connecting with the God who made me, and you.I am not preaching Christianity. I am preaching about a relationship with God.
Life at it's Oxymorons..
Life.
Contains full of oxymorons
One can feel on top of the world one moment,
and come crashing to the deepest valley the next
Have you ever felt in control of your life?
Only to find it spinning out of control?
Have you ever feel satisfied with how things are going?
Only to find that things do not stay that way?
Have you ever felt victorious looking at how you're growing,
Only to be overwhelmed when you catch a glimpse of what's ahead still?
Have you ever felt so passionate about something,
Only to realize that it is of no interest to you the next day?
Have you ever thought that someone means the world to you,
Only to discover that you can easily let go?
No wonder they say the only constant thing in life is Change.
And to humans who need stability,
Change is the thing that makes us feel so powerless.
Spinning around and around in circles,
With time flying past,
Just like the sand that slips through your fingers.
Many things One can aspire to do,
face the tug-of-war within,
as each demands attention.
When everything is urgent,
What is truly important?
Yes, life may be a walk of circles,
But as long as I know my final destination,
I'm not afraid to walk.
And for a life constant with change,
it is my comfort,
that My God does not change.
My only stability in this insecure world.
Life. Without God, it is meaningless.
Bleah..
I LOST MY HANDPHONE! *wails*
Just when I was so happy with the new XRoad47 hp tag which i attached to my pretty phone 1 hour ago only.. and i was happily swinging it around, and they were warning me not to test limits with it, with the certainty that if my phone flew off to the MRT track, or if it hits somebody on the head, they would roll on the floor laughing. HMMPH.
but all those didn't happen. I think my phone dropped in the bus lah. and while i hoped that a kind soul would be so angelic to pick up my call and return it to me, NO. He switched it off. =(
ok, i admit that I have been intending to change my hp. but now when it's gone, i'm starting to miss it. but it's ok lah. i'm not particularly sad or affected by it, after all, these are all just material stuffs.
My new SIM card would come tmr, so I would be uncontactable for one day only, which I dun mind actually. Dont' intend to get a new phone soon. What for? Probably just use the hardy old 8210's lying around the house...
If you meet the guy who stole your lost hp, what would you do? Punch him? Kick him in the ass? Strangle him? haha. no lah, i can't imagine doing all that. Take it as donation lah. and God save his soul.
